Is This Real?

Wow. For real. This cannot be happening… I am not ready for this nor do I know how to handle it. I’m on vacation in California with my family for the holiday and I have left my guy at home. I cannot believe how much I miss him and how many times I have thought about walking away from it. I HATE feeling vulnerable and I didn’t really want to talk about him, but my dad announced to everyone that I have a bf. Yes, it has been that long that this is HUGE news even though we haven’t made it official.

I woke up to the BEST surprise though on Thanksgiving morning. I was planning on sending him a text that morning with all the things that I am grateful for that he has done. I didn’t want to be overwhelming or seem weirdly desperate or whatever so I thought I would send it later in the day. Well before I got out of bed that morning he sent me a text. He is not a good morning texter by nature so I was especially excited when I saw his name. I opened it up to read the following: “good morning beautiful! Happy thanksgiving! I am so thankful you took a chance and went out with me. So now I have you in my life!!” Day= TOTALLY made! I almost started crying. (I am pretty tender hearted by nature) I have never ever in my life had a guy I was dating send me something like that. He tells me every day that he misses me too. Can I just say “I miss you” in Spanish is just soooo much more meaningful and attractive. Just melts me. I adore that guy. I cannot even begin to express how much I adore him.

I love feeling like I matter to someone that matters to me. I love my family, but I am counting down the days til I can see this wonderful guy. He is the best thing that has happened to me! We just barely became Facebook friends and he really wanted to follow me on Instagram which once he did he liked all of the pics with him that I had posted. I am having a hard time believing this is real! Part of me wants to run before he can turn on me and make me want to cry or whatever. I just hate the risk and vulnerability… It is too scary for me! I guess you just have to find someone worth taking a risk for, but you can never truly know they are worth it until you take that leap and they help you fly.

Trust. Love. Gratitude.

Wow! What a week so far! I’ve had a lot on my mind and have realized how hindering looking back really is. My guy is so so sweet and I started freaking out, because I have no idea how to handle that. I am so used to being used, abused, lied to and cheated on that someone being genuinely nice is so foreign to me that I don’t know if it is serious. I am almost waiting for it to turn, crash and go up in flames. It has really caused me some anxiety because I really love him. Not in a romantic sense, but as a person and in a more caring and Christlike way than I have ever loved anyone. I genuinely want him to be happy even if it is not with me and to think of him being hurt brings such a real torturous pain to me that I would GLADLY take me getting hurt so as not to have to see him in pain. I thought that maybe God was trying to tell me that my guy wasn’t for me (even though he has done NOTHING wrong and seems to be practically perfect in every way!). The thought of ending it made me so depressed I couldn’t eat. I just cried. Then I called my bro who is just really logical and gets things and who is like the boy version of me. He not only calmed me down, but got me laughing while teaching me things. He showed me how I was being irrational and that my happiness depended on me and my choices. I had to choose to have good thoughts and ignore the bad.

The best thing he taught me was that everything I had gone through in past relationships was to teach me, what I don’t want more than anything else. Now, he said, God was trusting me to use what He had helped me learn, and move forward with confidence. He said it was like learning to ride and bike and now God was letting go. Of course I was anxious! It is scary to ride by yourself when you don’t think you know what you are doing, but He had taught me what I needed to know. That hit home. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I realized in thinking about it later that God didn’t leave me alone on the bike. I have Christ and my family to run alongside me to give me the confidence to keep going or to get back on if I do fall. That is amazing! And sometimes trusting God really includes trusting His trust in us.

Oh the peace I felt! It was so beautiful! Nobody said my guy and I would be getting married, but I now felt this was worth the risk. My guy just confirmed it as we texted later on through the evening. He knows how much I love ducks and so when I told him I was going to the temple where I usually see them he sent me a text saying he hoped I would see some and had an emoji of a chicken because it was the closest thing he could find to a duck. What a sweet guy! He tells me he misses me without me having to prod for it, and even better, he tells me in Spanish which really gets to me! He is the kindest, sweetest, most considerate man I have ever had the chance to date! I just adore him!

I may not be in control, but I will do my best to make this the best I can between he and I and God. 🙂 Really Trust, love and gratitude are the ingredients for happiness and if we’re happy, even the hard things don’t seem so bad, as my bro pointed out yesterday. So here’s to looking forward and not back!

Falling…

Welp, here I am two weeks later… and falling. Not hard and fast, for ONCE in my life. It has been like a slow and steady building of a friendship. But like… WAY better! We get along so well and I have never been treated better by a guy. He is so nice, thoughtful and considerate. He asked for straws the last time we went out to eat which may not seem like a huge deal, but it was something thoughtful. I hate drinking out of restaurant cups and so I usually ask for a straw. Before the waiter could leave after bringing our drinks, my guy asked him for straws. It’s the little things! 🙂

It’s really interesting though, the thing about my guy is that so far he is EVERYTHING I have been wanting. He’s just a regular jeans wearing, t-shirt and baseball hat wearing guy. I love it! I have turned into a clumsy, weird, totally myself kinda girl… It’s amazing and frightening all at once! I love that he goes along with it too! Love it!