Success!

Wow, I missed December and January! Lame! I thought I had written once since then… Man life has been crazy! Crazy good!

Anyway, Christmas turned out better than I thought it would. My guy got me a Braves t-shirt, a zebra adult onsie (as a joke, it was something I mentioned to him once WEEKS before… so thoughtful!), and a head massager. He already knew me even though we had only been dating for 2 months.

He met my family at a little Christmas get together and they all loved him! A week later, I got my first New Years kiss. Yes, I am aware of how sad that is that I have never gotten that and I am 26.

A couple weeks after that it was my guy’s birthday… I got him a box full of little things that make me think about him. Mostly just corny things, but he liked the blanket I made him so much I figured more thoughtful was the way to go. He thanked me after each thing he pulled out of the box and at the end when he looked through the photo album I gave him he just got up and gave me a huge hug! I love giving him gifts, he gets so excited about them and he is so freaking appreciative! I had asked him previously what his favorite food was and ventured into the world of grilling meat… other than hamburgers. I made him a steak which elicited an “Oh babe…” he said no one has ever done that for him, and that his old-fashioned side just thought it was so amazing. I don’t tell this to get recognition for myself, but because I have never felt so much like I going out of my way for someone to make them feel special.

I realized I love him so completely in the way that I wanted to be loved and it makes me so happy to do so.

Anyway what does all of this have to do with Success since that is what I named this post? What is your definition of success? I had a trainer/ life coach who gave me a challenge to define success. I realized I consider success a balance. When I feel like I have a sense that my life is balanced (work, school, dating, family, church, etc…) then I feel like I am successful.

For a moment I thought my life was completely out of whack, I was letting my anxiety get the best of me and I about pushed my guy out. He left for a cruise with his family for a week and it was right after a family member had died and I just started tripping out after he got home, but one thing or another was getting in the way of us picking up our relationship to keep it progressing. They were really just things that couldn’t be helped… I spazzed out and he just handled it like a pro. He was very understanding of my fear due to previous relationships and was super reassuring even while he was feeling like crap.

I even had an anxiety attack a week later and we went out later that night after I had calmed down and when I was kind of explaining it to him, I got done and I was just feeling really stupid… A few seconds after I stopped he reached across the table and put his hand on my folded arms. I looked at him and he was just looking at me so lovingly and just so… tenderly. It was so amazing! He did the perfect thing… he just listened and showed support. Just thinking about it gets me a little emotional. Haha

He is seriously so amazing, I sometimes just can’t believe he is real. I met his parents and went to dinner with them. This past weekend I went to lunch with his whole family… I LOVE them. They are the kindest welcoming people I have met! His mom always tells me how glad she is that I came or how good it is to see me. It means so much to me that she feels that way! His family is a family I’ve always wanted to be part of… they are so tight, but not like where they can’t breathe, but they do stuff together and they talk quite a bit. It’s awesome!

After lunch with his family we went to this huge sports store and goofed off, taking pics, kissing in tent displays, sword-fighting and throwing balls at each other. Laughing about things we saw and just laughing together. This is what I have always dreamed of in a relationship… It is weird to believe it is really right here in front of my face!

I am so grateful for him and he is really becoming a best friend to me… We’ve gotten really close as friends in the last 3 1/2 months. I couldn’t be more grateful that he doesn’t throw my life off balance, but rather compliments it and helps stabilize it when I am having a rough day.

I am so lucky! And so far… Success! 🙂

Trust. Love. Gratitude.

Wow! What a week so far! I’ve had a lot on my mind and have realized how hindering looking back really is. My guy is so so sweet and I started freaking out, because I have no idea how to handle that. I am so used to being used, abused, lied to and cheated on that someone being genuinely nice is so foreign to me that I don’t know if it is serious. I am almost waiting for it to turn, crash and go up in flames. It has really caused me some anxiety because I really love him. Not in a romantic sense, but as a person and in a more caring and Christlike way than I have ever loved anyone. I genuinely want him to be happy even if it is not with me and to think of him being hurt brings such a real torturous pain to me that I would GLADLY take me getting hurt so as not to have to see him in pain. I thought that maybe God was trying to tell me that my guy wasn’t for me (even though he has done NOTHING wrong and seems to be practically perfect in every way!). The thought of ending it made me so depressed I couldn’t eat. I just cried. Then I called my bro who is just really logical and gets things and who is like the boy version of me. He not only calmed me down, but got me laughing while teaching me things. He showed me how I was being irrational and that my happiness depended on me and my choices. I had to choose to have good thoughts and ignore the bad.

The best thing he taught me was that everything I had gone through in past relationships was to teach me, what I don’t want more than anything else. Now, he said, God was trusting me to use what He had helped me learn, and move forward with confidence. He said it was like learning to ride and bike and now God was letting go. Of course I was anxious! It is scary to ride by yourself when you don’t think you know what you are doing, but He had taught me what I needed to know. That hit home. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I realized in thinking about it later that God didn’t leave me alone on the bike. I have Christ and my family to run alongside me to give me the confidence to keep going or to get back on if I do fall. That is amazing! And sometimes trusting God really includes trusting His trust in us.

Oh the peace I felt! It was so beautiful! Nobody said my guy and I would be getting married, but I now felt this was worth the risk. My guy just confirmed it as we texted later on through the evening. He knows how much I love ducks and so when I told him I was going to the temple where I usually see them he sent me a text saying he hoped I would see some and had an emoji of a chicken because it was the closest thing he could find to a duck. What a sweet guy! He tells me he misses me without me having to prod for it, and even better, he tells me in Spanish which really gets to me! He is the kindest, sweetest, most considerate man I have ever had the chance to date! I just adore him!

I may not be in control, but I will do my best to make this the best I can between he and I and God. 🙂 Really Trust, love and gratitude are the ingredients for happiness and if we’re happy, even the hard things don’t seem so bad, as my bro pointed out yesterday. So here’s to looking forward and not back!

Jumping

Lately I have thought a lot about this action… this word really. There are so many ways it is used. Jumping for joy, jumping into things or to conclusions, jumping off a cliff (figuratively and literally), and then just plain jumping like on a trampoline or something. Sometimes these jumps are calculated, sometimes they are hasty or spontaneous. I’ve realized there is a lot to learn from this little word.

My whole life I have been a jumper. Usually into things or to conclusions and landing into those situations pretty deep due to the force of the figurative jump. My opinion is firm and my mind has been known to be hard to change when I’ve jumped to a conclusion. I have had some odd experiences and made life a little harder by jumping into things like moving or getting a different job; these not always being pleasant experiences at first. I have almost jumped into marriage a total of three times now. One about 4 years ago, one about 2 years ago and one more recently this year. I’ve decided my life will never hit a seven year itch (as they say happens in marriage) rather about every 18 months to 2 years I start to feel really super restless with life and crave a major change. Usually I move, sometimes I just get more adventurous or I just take on something huge. At this point in my life I am in the midst of doing/feeling all three. I am starting my MBA program this week, I am making plans to move as soon as my lease is up in October and I’ve been doing all sorts of crazy things all in the name of LIVING my life.

Last weekend I went with some friends to this beautiful lake in Utah that is motorless so no speedboats; just canoes, paddle boards, kayaks, swimmers and people on floaties and the cliff jumpers. I had cliff jumping on my bucket list even though I have a very serious fear of heights, but I try to do something that scares me every once in a while to get outside my comfort zone. So we started out on a 12ft cliff. That was a little scary, but not really what I pictured when writing it on my bucket list. Then we swam over to a 40ft cliff. I was terrified. I didn’t think I would actually do it, but then I knew if I didn’t I would kick myself the whole way home. So it finally opens up and I just sit on the edge not sure how to get myself to just make the jump. I almost had myself talked into it and then I would back out. Eventually this girl Spice (I’m not sure what her real name is anyway), who had been saying she wouldn’t do it, was kinda thinking about it too. So there we were, the 2 of us on the edge of this cliff and neither being able to get ourselves to jump. Eventually I just turned to her and said “Spice what if you jump off a little that way and I jump off a little this way, and we just jump together?” Granted I had only just met this girl a couple hours before and she quickly replied “Okay!” Well then Spice decides to do a count which went “1… 2 (My thoughts I can’t do this yet!)… 3 [no jump from either of us] 4…” Then we burst out laughing because neither of us jumped. We got harassed by almost everyone there and then the counting started again and we both jumped. I closed my eyes and at one point had time to think Shouldn’t I have hit already? I let out a scream and then hit the water. It was hard, but I was so proud of myself and relieved to be down. Spice then turns to me and says “I’m glad you suggested doing it together, I don’t think I could have done it on my own.” My thoughts exactly.

I pride myself on being very independent and tough. So while I was relieved, I was annoyed because I hadn’t done it on my own. I’ve thought a lot about that since then and that is the real inspiration for this post…

Sometimes in life you really just need someone to go through something with you to give you the courage and faith you need to do it. Sometimes you know them and sometimes you don’t. At times someone just being there before you jump is enough, but other times they actually need to do it with you. This caused me some other pondering about how sometimes that is what you need in marriage someone who is just as frightened/uncertain as you, but that trusts you enough to know you’ll jump with them and not make them do it alone with lies that it will be together. There’s no rush, they take their time with you and when you’re both ready you jump. It builds a bond when you take on something uncertain together (what can be more uncertain than marriage? You can’t make choices for that person. That is a lot of faith and trust) and I think in the marriage sense overcoming that fear together with a mutual understanding and care would create a pretty strong bond.

Even more so I feel like there are times in life when the only person you have to take that jump with you is your Savior, Jesus Christ. I recently had a blessing (for those that don’t know a blessing in the LDS faith is done by the laying on of hands by men who have been given the authority from God to say a special prayer and be the mouthpiece for His blessing specifically for you. They can be for guidance, healing, comfort and things like that). This blessing I had was for guidance and it said that my Savior was walking with me. When I am struggling sometimes that is what I have to hold on to. My Savior would not hesitate to make that jump with me, He has been there through many already. He doesn’t just catch you, but rather He actually jumps WITH you!He experiences all the exhilaration, utter fear, uncertainty and pain associated with the jumps we make through our lives. Seriously, that is a HUGE blessing and it isn’t just for me or for a select few, it is available to every single person. He loves each person that much that he doesn’t want to leave them alone. I just think about trying to take that 40 ft jump alone and I really don’t think I would have done it, but having someone there made all the difference. I think we need to remember that even though we cannot SEE Christ, He is there and when we need an actual person that we can see and touch, he sends them. They may be friends, family or complete strangers. Sometimes strangers who become your friend after the experience. I just have to say I am personally very grateful for that gift.

My testimony/belief of Christ is still in the hoping/belief stage, but I am working toward getting to know him so I have a sure knowledge that He is who I’ve been taught He is. I know not everyone accepts Him for the Savior, but not seeing him as that just feels off. So here’s to the journey of getting to know Christ more and to many more jumps in my life!

Eating, praying and loving on my own…

I have had a stunning realization over the last few days. Mostly due to a comment from my mom that I didn’t want to listen to, but in the end it brought on a lot of reflection. So I have been thinking about how my mom told me I jump in too fast, almost desperately and I have not learned to be okay on my own. I told her I definitely understand and enjoy being single. This is true. I see a lot of benefit to the single life! I can do what I want, I go where I want and do things how I want. Who could disagree that this is nice?

Then I started to think about it while watching “Eat.Pray.Love” and it dawned on me that I am a lot like that character… I have to constantly have at least a crush on someone or I don’t know what to do with myself. So I jump in and out of relationships looking to be fulfilled, but not willing or even able to give real fulfillment, because I am not a full person. I thought I was, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I am looking for someone to complete me. I am selfish, insecure and only focused on my golden ticket of marriage. So I sink my claws into everyone that seems like a fairly legit candidate. But an unhappy and incomplete single person is not capable of giving love to the extent needed and will never be happy or fulfilled in a marriage. This movie has really made an impact on me, because I feel as lost, incomplete and unsatisfied with my life as she does. I need to become my own person and really truly learn to be okay with myself and by myself before I can really offer anything to a lasting relationship. I have the dreams, the feelings, the memories and the lonely yearning that Liz does in the movie. She keeps almost settling (or actually settling) only to find out that she is still empty and remaining unsatisfied.

So… I’ve come to the following conclusion. I am using my ticket I bought to go see this boy that I loved so fully in GA and I am going to do a mini trip like Liz’s, only I am not rich enough to go to Italy, India, and Bali over the course of a year. I am going to do what I want on a solo trip without anyone to tell me what I need or should do. I will be able to really think and I can go out to eat wherever I want. In addition to this I am going to take a 3 month sabbatical from dating. I need to learn to make friends with guys instead of trying to evaluate them as potential marriage candidates. It is hard being in this environment where it is heavily influenced by religion where marriage is a huge principle and where being 26 is old. I know it really isn’t that big of a deal and I am not that old, but it is hard not to feel like it. I really just need to learn to love my life as it is and stop trying to live in the future constantly. There is a quote from Thomas S. Monson (the president and prophet in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), “Learn from the past, Live for today and plan for the future.” I just try to live in the future on the daily. There is a book I am reading that says that is a a problem and shows that we are not grateful for our lives. I can only imagine how offensive that would be to God. I feel like I have been completely broken down lately in every regard. The job I was aiming to get just totally blew me off, my love life has gone to crap and I started questioning my faith.

There is a website I found while basically googling a quarter life crisis called allgroanup.com. He writes an artivcle about the benefits of having a quarter-life crisis and he has a couple of quotes that I really loved “We learn that sometimes life will dismantle you so that you can be rebuilt” and then another one from someone else named Gilda Radner, “Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” That summed up exactly what I was feeling, but put a positive spin on it. 

The other thing I am looking to do is learn to really control my thoughts as Richard from Texas in the movie says “you have to learn to select your thoughts the same way that you select your clothes everyday. Now that’s a power you can cultivate. If you want to… control your life so bad, work on the mind, it’s the only thing you should be trying to control, cuz if you can’t master your thoughts you’ll be in trouble forever.” You have to surrender and still your mind. You have to realize that exactly in this moment there is no problem, like in THIS exact moment. I’ve been reading a book to learn to master my mind as that is my biggest challenge and my WORST enemy. I am going to master my thoughts so I can hear more fully my God and so i can think more rationally and love more fully and truly. I need to think of others way more and reach out to help them. If I am struggling, there must be others out there going through something similar and help. Again Richard from TX in the movie makes a good point on this very subject (yes I am watching the movie while writing this post haha) “You know if you could clear out all that space in your mind that you are using to obsess… you’d have a vacuum with a doorway and you know what the universe would do with that doorway? It would RUSH IN. God, rush in fill you with more love than you’ve ever dreamed of. Man!”

I WANT THAT!!! He tells her she has the capacity to love the whole world. That is amazing. I want to change sooo bad! So I am going to change how I think, take some time for myself to understand myself and then also take a 3 month break from dating (yes, I am going to start turning down dates for 3 months, something I have never done). I hope by doing this I can be rebuilt. I felt like my life was ruined, but it is like Liz says in Italy “ruin is the road to transformation.” I need some transformation.

Here I go, on an unknown road, but “to get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” So here goes nothin! 🙂

Heartsleeves (quarter-life crisis)

Sometimes…. I wish I could just keep my heart to myself.

Welp it looks like the quarter-life crisis just hit full swing. I graduated thinking I had a great job lined up… nope. I went on a cruise had the time of my life. Met an amazing guy, things were going well and then WHAM! things ended. Pretty typical for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and well… I tend to get into relationships quickly then they crash and burn in great big huge fireballs of rejection. At least this one was rejection. So welcome adult life! Heart break and falling right on my face is how I started this out.

Part of me felt like the relationship was wrong, but he was everything I had wanted and prayed for… at least so I thought. I was going to go see him in a couple weeks. Had my plane ticket and everything. Now I’m just going to have to eat that… thank you life tuition. It’s hard because part of me feels like I really don’t understand God and how I relate to him. The deepest desire of my heart is being delayed, and I feel like I am NEVER going to get it. Then there is a part of me that knows I will eventually and God is not vindictive and it is just a matter of time. But I don’t have the patience for time. 

I’m lost, confused, hurt, but all in all I still feel like God hasn’t left me. I just need to be patient, and try to improve myself.

Some Call It Coincidence…

Man… seriously I just cannot believe life lately! Everything is fine on the outside, job is great, school is manageable, and dating… well that’s its own deal. Inside is where the storm is raging. I have never felt so crazy… like I am my own worst enemy. I am trying so hard to do what I need to, but doubts engulf me as soon as I try to take a step forward. I have a hard time letting big mistakes that I’ve made go…. Sometimes I wonder if they are still having an effect on my life or in religious words. I wonder if the repenting I did was enough, or if there was more I could have done. I wonder if it is now effecting my present like, if I have thrown off the plan God has for me because I was an idiot back in the day.

What brought all of this on?? Well… I am working with my friend who is a personal trainer that is piloting a new business idea and I am being a test subject and his whole idea is to go beyond just the helping physically, but to help mentally and emotionally. So he wanted me to look at my big picture. It took me 5 of the last 7 days to come up with it. It is hard for me to picture anything too far in the future, because that usually involves marriage and a family. I’m not going to lie, that is something I want desperately so I am afraid of really thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t feel I deserve it. Well I finally came up with something knowing I would be talking to the Trainer. It is still really uncomfortable to picture more in my future than me, my own house, and a hound dog. I finally came up with the “big pic” that I want to be healthy in every way. I want to be healthy in every, I want a healthy family, a healthy marriage and little kids who are active and play outside.

So… that was all written yesterday, but then I got distracted while I was at my mom’s house. So to continue, after I went to the temple today and had the last huge chunk of doubt taken care of I came up with more details to my big picture. I want a house with a big yard, I want a family that does stuff together that goes on hikes, rides horses, goes boating, etc. I want to marry a man who is so great with kids and will never let my children, nor I, feel a lack of love. It finally started to come and as the Trainer said, when you start to move forward the doubts will come, acknowledge them and then push them away. Yeah getting married is out of my control in all reality, because it takes 2 to Tango, but making it my goal can’t really hurt. Now I have two big pictures one that is the main and then Plan B with just me and my dog. 🙂

It will always be interesting to me the way that God places people in your life just when you need them… The Trainer has been that for me. Just when I needed someone to give me a boost when things would get hard and I would hit walls I can’t quite climb over by myself he came just in time to help me over them. He started out as a guy I paid to help me lose a few pounds I couldn’t lose on my own, but through staying in touch on Facebook and now this, I think I would consider him a friend. After all friends are those people who help you in life to do the things you REALLY want to do, but sometimes just can’t face on your own, right?

Some would say it is coincidence that right when I need someone they show up, I don’t believe that. Coincidence does not exist where God is concerned. He is in every facet of our lives. I don’t mean to get all preachy, but I honestly do not understand how anyone makes it through life without a belief in God, or a higher power of some sort… Someone bigger than they, who cares an awful lot about them. Just makes me curious.

I’d like to end this post with a quote by one of the leaders in the LDS church, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “If for awhile the harder you try, the harder it gets take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”

Enough

Wow… what an interesting last couple of weeks it has been! I have had so many things on my mind lately. Dating has been going off the hook. Tinder is going insane… I keep meeting new guys. I now have the “giant” as he calls himself because he is so tall. SC is driving me batty, and then I’ve got the set-up a guy my step sis thinks I would like, and then #2 who shares the same name as set-up guy and then the bearded man. He’s cool, another one from Tinder.  Oh and as we speak another message has just come up from Tinder! This is starting to get out of hand! I don’t know what to do with it all! Too many to balance…

More than dating though I have had a lot on my mind. I went to a parent day at my little sister’s junior high (she thinks I’m the coolest thing to hit the block since string cheese for reasons beyond me) and among all the nostalgia and crazy memories I learned a lot that day while attending classes with her. I had a flashback to when my  roomie and I had gotten into a fight like junior high, (yeah we’ve known each other since we were 10) and it just made me realize that if only I had known then what I do now I would have been so different. I would have treated people differently for sure. I just saw some of those kids and I couldn’t help but think, the kid may be nerdy now, but you just never know their true potential and what they are going to turn out to be. It was weird to see them through different eyes and just actually care, especially when seeing some getting picked on….

I then had a horrible dream Tuesday night that led to me waking up completely crying my eyes out for the first time in my life. I dreamed that my bro who is 2 years older than me had died. I didn’t believe it in the dream, but then we were at the funeral. I woke up with tears just streaming down my face and it took me about 15 minutes to calm down and go back to sleep and then anytime I thought about it the next day I would just cry. I love my family a ton even though we aren’t super close. I then had a few other dreams throughout the week that made me realize NOTHING compares to family, nothing. I definitely pay attention to my dreams because more often than not they mean something or they come true. That’s another story for another day!

Then comes the perfection complex. I don’t know if many of you have heard of this, but I definitely have one. I hold myself to these insanely high expectations all of the time. I was telling this new guy (that I forgot to mention before) JL that I was not doing well in a class because I have a B+ in a class right now. No one understands why that bothers me, but I had straight A’s last semester so I know I am capable of more. Beyond that… I have a very strong belief in God and in my savior Jesus Christ. Although many don’t believe or understand how or why someone could die for their sins I can tell you it is real. It is not something imaginary and really my goal because my belief is that there is indeed life after death and that I will get to live with my Heavenly Father and my Savior again I try to be a good person and to repent when I mess up, but I don’t want to be “unclean” when I come face to face with my creator again. I had this dream once I was in a hallway in a beautiful white (not wedding) dress and I’m waiting to meet with a king. At one point I look down and I see that there are some spots on my dress and I don’t want my dress to look like that when I am meeting with the king so I start trying to clean them off and they just keep getting worse and worse and worse. I burst into tears because this is my chance and my dress is ruined. I’m on the floor scrubbing and crying when someone puts their hand on mind stopping my scrubbing and says “Hey I can fix that.” I keep crying and start trying to scrub again telling this man that he can’t and asking him if he can’t see how ruined and stained my dress is. Then he says my name and I look up to see Christ telling me he can make it go away completely as if it was brand new and never happened. That dream has always stayed with me because for being Christian and knowing what I know I cannot figure out for the life of me why I won’t accept this gift. This insanely amazing gift. Someone cared enough about me to pay for MY sins and to take away MY pain, but because I am such a control freak I won’t let it go. I want to show my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I can do it, to show them that I am strong. Then I end up having weeks like this past one where I break down because I can’t no one is perfect and I won’t ever be in this life and I need to accept that. 

Well today in church  in Relief Society which is a part of the church services where just the women meet, we had a long talk about depression and other mental and emotional illnesses, because it is very common for women of the LDS faith to feel the pressure of perfection and pretending that everything is peachy when it definitely is NOT. I am in a congregation or ward as we call it full of young single adults between the ages of about 23-30, so these are people who are in the same phase of life that I am. Through that discussion I was just in tears. I do struggle with this perfection and with needing to feel in control, but I really haven’t lately and I have just been feeling that there is no peace to be found anymore. The topic of getting a priesthood blessing kept coming up and that is to have one or more of the men in the congregation who hold this priesthood or the power to act in God’s name for the blessing and benefit of His children, place their hands upon my head and give me a blessing or to say a specific prayer on my behalf. I know that may sound weird to some, but the miracles that have literally saved my life tell me otherwise. Well by the end I knew I needed to get one. I had thought about it all week but thought maybe I could do it on my own and it would pass, these feelings of inadequacy… So when that meeting was over I sought out my bishop (he’s like the priest) and I asked him to give me a blessing. Which he did a few minutes later.

I cannot begin to describe the relief and peace and quiet in my head that I felt as he spoke to God on my behalf and then to me as the mouthpiece of God for me in this moment of distress. He prayed for things I had not told him  and answered questions and prayers that only God would know were in my heart. The biggest thing that stuck out to me was being told that I am enough. I needed so badly to hear that. I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt like though they balance all of the demands of their every day lives and they do everything they can they always come up short or just completely inadequate, because that was me today. I don’t share this to be overly religious, but like I said this blog is my space and my religion means a lot to me. I will never say anything to offend, because I am not here to judge and put down. Life is hard enough without others kicking you while you are down… Seriously though no matter what you’ve done or where you are in life as long as you are moving and trying for something worthwhile, that is enough and you are enough, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I am enough.

More than meets the eye…

Wow! Yeah I know this post is going to be long so… sorry in advance!

I’ve had a repetitive message going on in my life… actually LIVING it. It started almost a year ago when I broke up with a guy who was just using me until he found something better and my mom told me I need to just enjoy being single. I really started doing that because I was living in the danger depressing world of “somedays.” I realized I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do I was always doing whatever the guys I dated wanted to do. I didn’t really have me. It kind of faded away for a little bit until a few weeks ago. I went snowboarding with my bro and he was trying to teach me to go toe-side, which I can’t do since I like to see where I am going. At one point as he was chilling with me in the snow and he pointed out how much of life is not lived because of fear. I started to think about it and decided he was right. If I could get rid of my fear I could be a pretty decent snowboarder. I realized again last week when I was ice-skating with my friend BG that I really am scared of a lot of things. I am afraid of getting physically (I don’t have time for that), I don’t like to be vulnerable and I avoid dating someone that actually has potential because I don’t want to be vulnerable and I really think I am a little afraid of commitment, but I also want to be in a committed relationship. It’s a disgusting contradiction. I am afraid of really messing up my life and going down the wrong path. I am afraid of spending large amounts of money… especially on myself. I recently tried to get over that by booking myself a cruise for my graduation present, expensive- of course. Worth it? Absolutely! Well this message has been coming more and more lately and has been more intense and I find myself FULL of wanderlust. I have this insane desire to LIVE. I am sick of putting stuff off.

Yesterday just kind of blew up in my face too and I just feel like I am doing something wrong. The one guy I was supposed to meet from online NEVER text me, and hadn’t since Wednesday. So that just didn’t happen. Then Boston was IM-ing me all day at work, telling me that we should get together and how attracted he is to me and how when I started there I was a huge distraction to him. We were going to hang out later last night and… yeah. You guessed it, nothing. He went and got a tattoo and then yeah… apparently it was all up to me to decide what to do?

So I got to thinking today about last Monday. I went to FHE (Family Home Evening) which is a weekly church activity where we get together for a small lesson and to socialize. The girl teaching brought up this TED talk that had changed her life it is called “Why 30 is not the new 20.” What she said about it just intrigued me. So… I listened to it today and it just BLEW my mind! Meg Jay the woman talking just had so many good points. These are a few things that stuck out to me:

• Twenty-somethings have nothing, but time! 
• The best time to work on a marriage is before you have one.
• The 20’s are not a developmental downtime, but a developmental sweet spot!
• Claiming your 20’s is one of the simplest yet most transformative things you can do.
• 3 things to do to claim your 20’s are: 1- get identity capital (investing in who you want might want to be next) Do something that adds to who you are. Explore and make it count. LIVE YOUR LIFE! “Identity capital begets identity capital.” 2- The urban tribe is overrated. New things come from our weaker ties. 3- The time to start picking your future family is now!
• Be as intentional with love as you are with work. be with who and what you want instead of just making it work or killing time. Mindfully choose the man! (I felt that deserved its own bullet)
• One good moment/TED talk/conversation can effect generations….

(source:http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html)

I was blown away! I needed all of that! I am not living my life like I should. I am not investing in identity capital…. I want so much, but I am not doing all that I can to get it! Honestly I am guilty of the “just killing time” style of dating. Boston was going to be that…. He and I are so different I just can’t see it working out. As I have mentioned before I am LDS, and well… that means a lot to me. He is not and this usually doesn’t work out. I don’t believe in having sex until after marriage and he doesn’t care about that. I don’t mean to sound like a stuck up Mormon girl, I just think sharing faith is super important. I just can’t see this being anything more than a fling and I just don’t know if it would be worth it… I don’t want to just “kill time.” Besides if I have learned anything from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, if a guy wants something to happen, he will make it happen! I live by that. I have tried to make it happen myself and it always goes bad really fast, so I’ve decided to roll with the games. Its up to the woman to accept the invitation that starts everything, but then it is back to the guy to keep it going. Kinda dumb, but true.

I really do feel like faith is part of the identity capital. We were chatting about that at church today. We talked about why it would be important to know that we are actually children of God and for me, it gives me a layer of identity. Having a relationship with my father in heaven gives me strength to keep going on bad days and someone to thank when it is all good. Another part of that is my belief in my savior Jesus Christ. He is the older brother who continually and unconditionally loves. They both have done so much for me. They listen when I need someone to talk to and I feel them near when I need someone. I have not always felt this way, I had my doubts if God was real, if my words were sticking to the ceiling and I was really just talking to myself like a crazy person, but I know that is not the case. I wondered if he even cared about me when sucky things happened, but now I know he does. Sometimes it is impossible to express feelings in words… but feelings are real no matter the reason. Identity capital is to help you be who you want to be, to give you depth. If religion is the base, that’s pretty solid. Then you just add on the rest; adventure, experience, and just trying to be a good person. Aka “depth.” 🙂

I feel like that is something achievable. Something worth working toward and for. What else bring identity capital?