Man… seriously I just cannot believe life lately! Everything is fine on the outside, job is great, school is manageable, and dating… well that’s its own deal. Inside is where the storm is raging. I have never felt so crazy… like I am my own worst enemy. I am trying so hard to do what I need to, but doubts engulf me as soon as I try to take a step forward. I have a hard time letting big mistakes that I’ve made go…. Sometimes I wonder if they are still having an effect on my life or in religious words. I wonder if the repenting I did was enough, or if there was more I could have done. I wonder if it is now effecting my present like, if I have thrown off the plan God has for me because I was an idiot back in the day.
What brought all of this on?? Well… I am working with my friend who is a personal trainer that is piloting a new business idea and I am being a test subject and his whole idea is to go beyond just the helping physically, but to help mentally and emotionally. So he wanted me to look at my big picture. It took me 5 of the last 7 days to come up with it. It is hard for me to picture anything too far in the future, because that usually involves marriage and a family. I’m not going to lie, that is something I want desperately so I am afraid of really thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t feel I deserve it. Well I finally came up with something knowing I would be talking to the Trainer. It is still really uncomfortable to picture more in my future than me, my own house, and a hound dog. I finally came up with the “big pic” that I want to be healthy in every way. I want to be healthy in every, I want a healthy family, a healthy marriage and little kids who are active and play outside.
So… that was all written yesterday, but then I got distracted while I was at my mom’s house. So to continue, after I went to the temple today and had the last huge chunk of doubt taken care of I came up with more details to my big picture. I want a house with a big yard, I want a family that does stuff together that goes on hikes, rides horses, goes boating, etc. I want to marry a man who is so great with kids and will never let my children, nor I, feel a lack of love. It finally started to come and as the Trainer said, when you start to move forward the doubts will come, acknowledge them and then push them away. Yeah getting married is out of my control in all reality, because it takes 2 to Tango, but making it my goal can’t really hurt. Now I have two big pictures one that is the main and then Plan B with just me and my dog. 🙂
It will always be interesting to me the way that God places people in your life just when you need them… The Trainer has been that for me. Just when I needed someone to give me a boost when things would get hard and I would hit walls I can’t quite climb over by myself he came just in time to help me over them. He started out as a guy I paid to help me lose a few pounds I couldn’t lose on my own, but through staying in touch on Facebook and now this, I think I would consider him a friend. After all friends are those people who help you in life to do the things you REALLY want to do, but sometimes just can’t face on your own, right?
Some would say it is coincidence that right when I need someone they show up, I don’t believe that. Coincidence does not exist where God is concerned. He is in every facet of our lives. I don’t mean to get all preachy, but I honestly do not understand how anyone makes it through life without a belief in God, or a higher power of some sort… Someone bigger than they, who cares an awful lot about them. Just makes me curious.
I’d like to end this post with a quote by one of the leaders in the LDS church, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “If for awhile the harder you try, the harder it gets take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”
Una Vida Vivida 