Choices…

Wow life really has taken all sorts of twists and turns lately! So I was meeting with my trainer yesterday (My first REAL day off since the beginning of the year) and we had been talking about my purpose in life… I had been thinking about it all last week and i determined that it is to just help improve the lives of those around me. In any way. The things that I love to talk about the most is fitness and health. I posted a pic on my instagram of me about 3 years ago when I was about 30 something pounds heavier and then one of me more recently where I actually have some muscle and I am getting a little toned. I had so many likes on that pic, probably the most ever! Well then I got into a discussion with a friend about what I did to lose the weight and I told her it is mostly just eating and told her I found some recipes that are good or you and actually TASTE good! She asked me to send them to her and then I had a few others ask for them as well. That’s when it hit me. I should be doing what I can to improve lives I come in contact with either mentally, physically or spiritually, etc. Well as I am telling The Trainer about it, he was like “Well Manda, have you thought about doing personal training?” and I told him I had thought about it, but I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. Well I just kept thinking about it and after googling info that made no sense or wanted me to go to a school that would cost me out my nose to get certified I decided to just text the Trainer to ask how he did it and the first thing I got back was “Amanda I have been waiting for you to ask this since yesterday!” Better late than never no? haha Well he referred me to the program he recommends and is preferred when being hired by either of the gyms at which he is the head trainer. He even offered to set me up with some job shadowing. I think I will take him up on that! 

I went to dinner with Arizona last night… I thought for sure that’s all it would be. I am really just not sure how to take him. We paid for ourselves and then we chatted for awhile and I was trying really hard to act normal, but I mean I broke it off with him and ran as fast as I could in the other direction, but that apology brought soooo much back. So it was music to my ears to hear, “well what now?” He wasn’t done hanging out with me, So we went and got a movie and cuddled. he was more there than he had been previously. Then we got into this tickling fight after the movie and to get him back I licked him (this is something we used to do to each other a lot, I know we are weird) and then the fight became that and then at one point I to lick him and he just kissed me. Then it was like we just couldn’t stop for a second… It was nice.

Well then he was saying how late it was getting and that I should probably go… then he leaned in and told me it wasn’t because he WANTED me to go, it was because we both had to work the next day. Then he used to just say bye to me at the door, but last night he walked me out to my car, kissed me goodbye and told me to text him when I got home. When I did he told me he was glad I was safe. He had never done that before. Now I am wishing we hadn’t kissed again already… we were going to try to slow down, but all we really did was pick up where we left off. Then with no communication today, I’m really kinda nervous…. ugh! Curse my feelings for him!

Plot Change!!!

Wow. That’s about all I can say for what happened today….

So this morning I woke up and I had dreamt about Arizona… So weird. It’s been awhile for us. I haven’t even talked to him in about a month. I had been thinking about him on and off for the past week or so. Well I tend to have dreams that mean something, so if I dream about someone I usually contact them just to make sure there isn’t a reason I dreamed about them… So I sent him a text just to tell him hi and tell him I hope everything is going well. He then told me he had been thinking about me lately and wanted to apologize for what happened when we were seeing each other. More specifically that he made me feel like it was all about a physical connection. That he was starting to like me and that he had fun spending time with me. I was shocked. That was not at all the reaction I was expecting. Then I told my mom that he had apologized as well as some news with some extended family and all she sent back was “Finally! :)” and she was talking about Arizona… She thought it was great that he had come around. I thought for sure she was going to remind me what a jerk he had been. haha

The weirdest part is… I feel like my heart is beating again. I mean… I’ve been meeting these other guys. I dropped SC because he couldn’t just be friends and I felt like he was smothering me and then he was a jerk about it. Arizona just took it when I ended it with him and even complimented me. I just haven’t been able to get into the dating thing… then just the thought of being with Arizona again, I don’t know… kind of makes me feel alive again. So corny I know. I want to go slow of course… as does he. We’ve decided to see each other and just let it flow and well, just see what happens. I am trying very hard not to jump back in with both feet, but I feel different about him. I have from the beginning… I’m not going to lose it though, I just can’t.

We’re going to dinner on Wednesday. 🙂

 

Some Call It Coincidence…

Man… seriously I just cannot believe life lately! Everything is fine on the outside, job is great, school is manageable, and dating… well that’s its own deal. Inside is where the storm is raging. I have never felt so crazy… like I am my own worst enemy. I am trying so hard to do what I need to, but doubts engulf me as soon as I try to take a step forward. I have a hard time letting big mistakes that I’ve made go…. Sometimes I wonder if they are still having an effect on my life or in religious words. I wonder if the repenting I did was enough, or if there was more I could have done. I wonder if it is now effecting my present like, if I have thrown off the plan God has for me because I was an idiot back in the day.

What brought all of this on?? Well… I am working with my friend who is a personal trainer that is piloting a new business idea and I am being a test subject and his whole idea is to go beyond just the helping physically, but to help mentally and emotionally. So he wanted me to look at my big picture. It took me 5 of the last 7 days to come up with it. It is hard for me to picture anything too far in the future, because that usually involves marriage and a family. I’m not going to lie, that is something I want desperately so I am afraid of really thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t feel I deserve it. Well I finally came up with something knowing I would be talking to the Trainer. It is still really uncomfortable to picture more in my future than me, my own house, and a hound dog. I finally came up with the “big pic” that I want to be healthy in every way. I want to be healthy in every, I want a healthy family, a healthy marriage and little kids who are active and play outside.

So… that was all written yesterday, but then I got distracted while I was at my mom’s house. So to continue, after I went to the temple today and had the last huge chunk of doubt taken care of I came up with more details to my big picture. I want a house with a big yard, I want a family that does stuff together that goes on hikes, rides horses, goes boating, etc. I want to marry a man who is so great with kids and will never let my children, nor I, feel a lack of love. It finally started to come and as the Trainer said, when you start to move forward the doubts will come, acknowledge them and then push them away. Yeah getting married is out of my control in all reality, because it takes 2 to Tango, but making it my goal can’t really hurt. Now I have two big pictures one that is the main and then Plan B with just me and my dog. 🙂

It will always be interesting to me the way that God places people in your life just when you need them… The Trainer has been that for me. Just when I needed someone to give me a boost when things would get hard and I would hit walls I can’t quite climb over by myself he came just in time to help me over them. He started out as a guy I paid to help me lose a few pounds I couldn’t lose on my own, but through staying in touch on Facebook and now this, I think I would consider him a friend. After all friends are those people who help you in life to do the things you REALLY want to do, but sometimes just can’t face on your own, right?

Some would say it is coincidence that right when I need someone they show up, I don’t believe that. Coincidence does not exist where God is concerned. He is in every facet of our lives. I don’t mean to get all preachy, but I honestly do not understand how anyone makes it through life without a belief in God, or a higher power of some sort… Someone bigger than they, who cares an awful lot about them. Just makes me curious.

I’d like to end this post with a quote by one of the leaders in the LDS church, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “If for awhile the harder you try, the harder it gets take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”

Enough

Wow… what an interesting last couple of weeks it has been! I have had so many things on my mind lately. Dating has been going off the hook. Tinder is going insane… I keep meeting new guys. I now have the “giant” as he calls himself because he is so tall. SC is driving me batty, and then I’ve got the set-up a guy my step sis thinks I would like, and then #2 who shares the same name as set-up guy and then the bearded man. He’s cool, another one from Tinder.  Oh and as we speak another message has just come up from Tinder! This is starting to get out of hand! I don’t know what to do with it all! Too many to balance…

More than dating though I have had a lot on my mind. I went to a parent day at my little sister’s junior high (she thinks I’m the coolest thing to hit the block since string cheese for reasons beyond me) and among all the nostalgia and crazy memories I learned a lot that day while attending classes with her. I had a flashback to when my  roomie and I had gotten into a fight like junior high, (yeah we’ve known each other since we were 10) and it just made me realize that if only I had known then what I do now I would have been so different. I would have treated people differently for sure. I just saw some of those kids and I couldn’t help but think, the kid may be nerdy now, but you just never know their true potential and what they are going to turn out to be. It was weird to see them through different eyes and just actually care, especially when seeing some getting picked on….

I then had a horrible dream Tuesday night that led to me waking up completely crying my eyes out for the first time in my life. I dreamed that my bro who is 2 years older than me had died. I didn’t believe it in the dream, but then we were at the funeral. I woke up with tears just streaming down my face and it took me about 15 minutes to calm down and go back to sleep and then anytime I thought about it the next day I would just cry. I love my family a ton even though we aren’t super close. I then had a few other dreams throughout the week that made me realize NOTHING compares to family, nothing. I definitely pay attention to my dreams because more often than not they mean something or they come true. That’s another story for another day!

Then comes the perfection complex. I don’t know if many of you have heard of this, but I definitely have one. I hold myself to these insanely high expectations all of the time. I was telling this new guy (that I forgot to mention before) JL that I was not doing well in a class because I have a B+ in a class right now. No one understands why that bothers me, but I had straight A’s last semester so I know I am capable of more. Beyond that… I have a very strong belief in God and in my savior Jesus Christ. Although many don’t believe or understand how or why someone could die for their sins I can tell you it is real. It is not something imaginary and really my goal because my belief is that there is indeed life after death and that I will get to live with my Heavenly Father and my Savior again I try to be a good person and to repent when I mess up, but I don’t want to be “unclean” when I come face to face with my creator again. I had this dream once I was in a hallway in a beautiful white (not wedding) dress and I’m waiting to meet with a king. At one point I look down and I see that there are some spots on my dress and I don’t want my dress to look like that when I am meeting with the king so I start trying to clean them off and they just keep getting worse and worse and worse. I burst into tears because this is my chance and my dress is ruined. I’m on the floor scrubbing and crying when someone puts their hand on mind stopping my scrubbing and says “Hey I can fix that.” I keep crying and start trying to scrub again telling this man that he can’t and asking him if he can’t see how ruined and stained my dress is. Then he says my name and I look up to see Christ telling me he can make it go away completely as if it was brand new and never happened. That dream has always stayed with me because for being Christian and knowing what I know I cannot figure out for the life of me why I won’t accept this gift. This insanely amazing gift. Someone cared enough about me to pay for MY sins and to take away MY pain, but because I am such a control freak I won’t let it go. I want to show my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I can do it, to show them that I am strong. Then I end up having weeks like this past one where I break down because I can’t no one is perfect and I won’t ever be in this life and I need to accept that. 

Well today in church  in Relief Society which is a part of the church services where just the women meet, we had a long talk about depression and other mental and emotional illnesses, because it is very common for women of the LDS faith to feel the pressure of perfection and pretending that everything is peachy when it definitely is NOT. I am in a congregation or ward as we call it full of young single adults between the ages of about 23-30, so these are people who are in the same phase of life that I am. Through that discussion I was just in tears. I do struggle with this perfection and with needing to feel in control, but I really haven’t lately and I have just been feeling that there is no peace to be found anymore. The topic of getting a priesthood blessing kept coming up and that is to have one or more of the men in the congregation who hold this priesthood or the power to act in God’s name for the blessing and benefit of His children, place their hands upon my head and give me a blessing or to say a specific prayer on my behalf. I know that may sound weird to some, but the miracles that have literally saved my life tell me otherwise. Well by the end I knew I needed to get one. I had thought about it all week but thought maybe I could do it on my own and it would pass, these feelings of inadequacy… So when that meeting was over I sought out my bishop (he’s like the priest) and I asked him to give me a blessing. Which he did a few minutes later.

I cannot begin to describe the relief and peace and quiet in my head that I felt as he spoke to God on my behalf and then to me as the mouthpiece of God for me in this moment of distress. He prayed for things I had not told him  and answered questions and prayers that only God would know were in my heart. The biggest thing that stuck out to me was being told that I am enough. I needed so badly to hear that. I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt like though they balance all of the demands of their every day lives and they do everything they can they always come up short or just completely inadequate, because that was me today. I don’t share this to be overly religious, but like I said this blog is my space and my religion means a lot to me. I will never say anything to offend, because I am not here to judge and put down. Life is hard enough without others kicking you while you are down… Seriously though no matter what you’ve done or where you are in life as long as you are moving and trying for something worthwhile, that is enough and you are enough, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I am enough.