Eating, praying and loving on my own…

I have had a stunning realization over the last few days. Mostly due to a comment from my mom that I didn’t want to listen to, but in the end it brought on a lot of reflection. So I have been thinking about how my mom told me I jump in too fast, almost desperately and I have not learned to be okay on my own. I told her I definitely understand and enjoy being single. This is true. I see a lot of benefit to the single life! I can do what I want, I go where I want and do things how I want. Who could disagree that this is nice?

Then I started to think about it while watching “Eat.Pray.Love” and it dawned on me that I am a lot like that character… I have to constantly have at least a crush on someone or I don’t know what to do with myself. So I jump in and out of relationships looking to be fulfilled, but not willing or even able to give real fulfillment, because I am not a full person. I thought I was, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I am looking for someone to complete me. I am selfish, insecure and only focused on my golden ticket of marriage. So I sink my claws into everyone that seems like a fairly legit candidate. But an unhappy and incomplete single person is not capable of giving love to the extent needed and will never be happy or fulfilled in a marriage. This movie has really made an impact on me, because I feel as lost, incomplete and unsatisfied with my life as she does. I need to become my own person and really truly learn to be okay with myself and by myself before I can really offer anything to a lasting relationship. I have the dreams, the feelings, the memories and the lonely yearning that Liz does in the movie. She keeps almost settling (or actually settling) only to find out that she is still empty and remaining unsatisfied.

So… I’ve come to the following conclusion. I am using my ticket I bought to go see this boy that I loved so fully in GA and I am going to do a mini trip like Liz’s, only I am not rich enough to go to Italy, India, and Bali over the course of a year. I am going to do what I want on a solo trip without anyone to tell me what I need or should do. I will be able to really think and I can go out to eat wherever I want. In addition to this I am going to take a 3 month sabbatical from dating. I need to learn to make friends with guys instead of trying to evaluate them as potential marriage candidates. It is hard being in this environment where it is heavily influenced by religion where marriage is a huge principle and where being 26 is old. I know it really isn’t that big of a deal and I am not that old, but it is hard not to feel like it. I really just need to learn to love my life as it is and stop trying to live in the future constantly. There is a quote from Thomas S. Monson (the president and prophet in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), “Learn from the past, Live for today and plan for the future.” I just try to live in the future on the daily. There is a book I am reading that says that is a a problem and shows that we are not grateful for our lives. I can only imagine how offensive that would be to God. I feel like I have been completely broken down lately in every regard. The job I was aiming to get just totally blew me off, my love life has gone to crap and I started questioning my faith.

There is a website I found while basically googling a quarter life crisis called allgroanup.com. He writes an artivcle about the benefits of having a quarter-life crisis and he has a couple of quotes that I really loved “We learn that sometimes life will dismantle you so that you can be rebuilt” and then another one from someone else named Gilda Radner, “Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” That summed up exactly what I was feeling, but put a positive spin on it. 

The other thing I am looking to do is learn to really control my thoughts as Richard from Texas in the movie says “you have to learn to select your thoughts the same way that you select your clothes everyday. Now that’s a power you can cultivate. If you want to… control your life so bad, work on the mind, it’s the only thing you should be trying to control, cuz if you can’t master your thoughts you’ll be in trouble forever.” You have to surrender and still your mind. You have to realize that exactly in this moment there is no problem, like in THIS exact moment. I’ve been reading a book to learn to master my mind as that is my biggest challenge and my WORST enemy. I am going to master my thoughts so I can hear more fully my God and so i can think more rationally and love more fully and truly. I need to think of others way more and reach out to help them. If I am struggling, there must be others out there going through something similar and help. Again Richard from TX in the movie makes a good point on this very subject (yes I am watching the movie while writing this post haha) “You know if you could clear out all that space in your mind that you are using to obsess… you’d have a vacuum with a doorway and you know what the universe would do with that doorway? It would RUSH IN. God, rush in fill you with more love than you’ve ever dreamed of. Man!”

I WANT THAT!!! He tells her she has the capacity to love the whole world. That is amazing. I want to change sooo bad! So I am going to change how I think, take some time for myself to understand myself and then also take a 3 month break from dating (yes, I am going to start turning down dates for 3 months, something I have never done). I hope by doing this I can be rebuilt. I felt like my life was ruined, but it is like Liz says in Italy “ruin is the road to transformation.” I need some transformation.

Here I go, on an unknown road, but “to get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” So here goes nothin! 🙂

Heartsleeves (quarter-life crisis)

Sometimes…. I wish I could just keep my heart to myself.

Welp it looks like the quarter-life crisis just hit full swing. I graduated thinking I had a great job lined up… nope. I went on a cruise had the time of my life. Met an amazing guy, things were going well and then WHAM! things ended. Pretty typical for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and well… I tend to get into relationships quickly then they crash and burn in great big huge fireballs of rejection. At least this one was rejection. So welcome adult life! Heart break and falling right on my face is how I started this out.

Part of me felt like the relationship was wrong, but he was everything I had wanted and prayed for… at least so I thought. I was going to go see him in a couple weeks. Had my plane ticket and everything. Now I’m just going to have to eat that… thank you life tuition. It’s hard because part of me feels like I really don’t understand God and how I relate to him. The deepest desire of my heart is being delayed, and I feel like I am NEVER going to get it. Then there is a part of me that knows I will eventually and God is not vindictive and it is just a matter of time. But I don’t have the patience for time. 

I’m lost, confused, hurt, but all in all I still feel like God hasn’t left me. I just need to be patient, and try to improve myself.

Here we go again….

I met another boy…. on Tinder… guess we’ll see where this goes!

I feel like I am coming to a point in my life where I can handle the dating thing again. Graduation is in 2 weeks, something has to fill the void not having school will inevitably leave. I got rid of Tinder, but then while trying to explain it to a coworker, I downloaded it again, just to show her. At least that is what I tell myself. Some guys come and go quickly on there. Others never contact. And still others can’t seem to get a conversation off the ground. This one though… We’ve chatted a bit over the last couple of days. He doesn’t seem to annoy me. At all so far. He doesn’t smother. He says what is on his mind (love that) and he seems to be driven… has a good job and has dreams of other career options that he is ACTUALLY working on. He’s like a shy guy who loves cars. I’m calling this one the car fella. 🙂 

So far, so good. Here’s to hoping there’s no disappointment!

You are what you eat, but more importantly… you are what you THINK

Wow! Sorry for the long delay… I just entered my last month as an undergrad, only 4 weeks til I graduate! Holy crap! So anyway I’ll give you a brief synopsis of my life as of late. Obviously I am nearing graduation with my bachelors (woot!), Arizona is once again out of my life. I told him I didn’t want it to be one sided and it immediately was so I just stopped talking to him. No need for drama about something stupid. He did try to text me yesterday, but it was just some lame “hey hope you are doing well. Sorry I haven’t talked to you lately.” Texting someone takes 2 seconds. Seriously I feel like he is just trying to keep me as his back burner. I’ve got news for him. I am too awesome and too dang beautiful to be anyone’s back burner girl! So I just ignored it. Unluckily for him I have already met, dated and moved on from his type. I believe in second chances, but he blew his within days. I read somewhere “what you will allow is what will continue” so I nipped this in the bud before it could even think about growing. 🙂 Besides I have been working with the Trainer and well, my confidence is growing. I am not settling anymore in life. I don’t just mean in dating either.

We just went through this challenge where I was to do 1000 squats in 5 days, it was a test to see if I am programmed to be a fighter or a quitter. I thought for sure I was a quitter because I had just talked to my mom 2 days before the meeting with The Trainer and I had told her I just want to quit. Well after the beginning of day 1 I decided to up it because I felt like it was nothing. So I upped it to 3500 in 5 days and guess what? I owned every. single. one. It got hard fitting them in and what not, but I realized I am not only a fighter, but I don’t push myself very hard and I don’t have much faith in myself. Now it’s been a week and I realized I do NOT live up to my potential. I am ALWAYS selling myself short. I have realized what an effect my thoughts have been having on me. I sell myself short in so many ways. I have worked hard to get where I am and I continue to do so and by expecting that out of a future significant other I am not and I repeat NOT being unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with expecting AT LEAST what you are giving. If I get more then yay, because I plan to continue improving so great, but I really only want someone who is trying and doing the things I expect out of myself too.

The Trainer had me find my purpose in life, like my specific very personal purpose and I decided it is to help people, to better the lives of all who I come in contact with. In whatever way I can… I want nothing more than to do that and since discovering it I am finding it all over the place being proven to me over and over and over. Personal training/ life coaching are my goals. I also want to do recruiting so I know even more so how to work with people and so I can help people find the jobs they want/ help companies find who they are looking for.

My life has purpose and I am going after it, so I guess now if a man wants to join with me he can either hop on the crazy ride or take a hike because I know where I am going and NOTHING is going to stop me. Besides, who wants to be with someone who wants to squash their dreams anyway?!

Life is what you make it, so no one (not even yourself) has the right to tell you that you can’t do it!

Choices…

Wow life really has taken all sorts of twists and turns lately! So I was meeting with my trainer yesterday (My first REAL day off since the beginning of the year) and we had been talking about my purpose in life… I had been thinking about it all last week and i determined that it is to just help improve the lives of those around me. In any way. The things that I love to talk about the most is fitness and health. I posted a pic on my instagram of me about 3 years ago when I was about 30 something pounds heavier and then one of me more recently where I actually have some muscle and I am getting a little toned. I had so many likes on that pic, probably the most ever! Well then I got into a discussion with a friend about what I did to lose the weight and I told her it is mostly just eating and told her I found some recipes that are good or you and actually TASTE good! She asked me to send them to her and then I had a few others ask for them as well. That’s when it hit me. I should be doing what I can to improve lives I come in contact with either mentally, physically or spiritually, etc. Well as I am telling The Trainer about it, he was like “Well Manda, have you thought about doing personal training?” and I told him I had thought about it, but I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. Well I just kept thinking about it and after googling info that made no sense or wanted me to go to a school that would cost me out my nose to get certified I decided to just text the Trainer to ask how he did it and the first thing I got back was “Amanda I have been waiting for you to ask this since yesterday!” Better late than never no? haha Well he referred me to the program he recommends and is preferred when being hired by either of the gyms at which he is the head trainer. He even offered to set me up with some job shadowing. I think I will take him up on that! 

I went to dinner with Arizona last night… I thought for sure that’s all it would be. I am really just not sure how to take him. We paid for ourselves and then we chatted for awhile and I was trying really hard to act normal, but I mean I broke it off with him and ran as fast as I could in the other direction, but that apology brought soooo much back. So it was music to my ears to hear, “well what now?” He wasn’t done hanging out with me, So we went and got a movie and cuddled. he was more there than he had been previously. Then we got into this tickling fight after the movie and to get him back I licked him (this is something we used to do to each other a lot, I know we are weird) and then the fight became that and then at one point I to lick him and he just kissed me. Then it was like we just couldn’t stop for a second… It was nice.

Well then he was saying how late it was getting and that I should probably go… then he leaned in and told me it wasn’t because he WANTED me to go, it was because we both had to work the next day. Then he used to just say bye to me at the door, but last night he walked me out to my car, kissed me goodbye and told me to text him when I got home. When I did he told me he was glad I was safe. He had never done that before. Now I am wishing we hadn’t kissed again already… we were going to try to slow down, but all we really did was pick up where we left off. Then with no communication today, I’m really kinda nervous…. ugh! Curse my feelings for him!

Plot Change!!!

Wow. That’s about all I can say for what happened today….

So this morning I woke up and I had dreamt about Arizona… So weird. It’s been awhile for us. I haven’t even talked to him in about a month. I had been thinking about him on and off for the past week or so. Well I tend to have dreams that mean something, so if I dream about someone I usually contact them just to make sure there isn’t a reason I dreamed about them… So I sent him a text just to tell him hi and tell him I hope everything is going well. He then told me he had been thinking about me lately and wanted to apologize for what happened when we were seeing each other. More specifically that he made me feel like it was all about a physical connection. That he was starting to like me and that he had fun spending time with me. I was shocked. That was not at all the reaction I was expecting. Then I told my mom that he had apologized as well as some news with some extended family and all she sent back was “Finally! :)” and she was talking about Arizona… She thought it was great that he had come around. I thought for sure she was going to remind me what a jerk he had been. haha

The weirdest part is… I feel like my heart is beating again. I mean… I’ve been meeting these other guys. I dropped SC because he couldn’t just be friends and I felt like he was smothering me and then he was a jerk about it. Arizona just took it when I ended it with him and even complimented me. I just haven’t been able to get into the dating thing… then just the thought of being with Arizona again, I don’t know… kind of makes me feel alive again. So corny I know. I want to go slow of course… as does he. We’ve decided to see each other and just let it flow and well, just see what happens. I am trying very hard not to jump back in with both feet, but I feel different about him. I have from the beginning… I’m not going to lose it though, I just can’t.

We’re going to dinner on Wednesday. 🙂

 

Some Call It Coincidence…

Man… seriously I just cannot believe life lately! Everything is fine on the outside, job is great, school is manageable, and dating… well that’s its own deal. Inside is where the storm is raging. I have never felt so crazy… like I am my own worst enemy. I am trying so hard to do what I need to, but doubts engulf me as soon as I try to take a step forward. I have a hard time letting big mistakes that I’ve made go…. Sometimes I wonder if they are still having an effect on my life or in religious words. I wonder if the repenting I did was enough, or if there was more I could have done. I wonder if it is now effecting my present like, if I have thrown off the plan God has for me because I was an idiot back in the day.

What brought all of this on?? Well… I am working with my friend who is a personal trainer that is piloting a new business idea and I am being a test subject and his whole idea is to go beyond just the helping physically, but to help mentally and emotionally. So he wanted me to look at my big picture. It took me 5 of the last 7 days to come up with it. It is hard for me to picture anything too far in the future, because that usually involves marriage and a family. I’m not going to lie, that is something I want desperately so I am afraid of really thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t feel I deserve it. Well I finally came up with something knowing I would be talking to the Trainer. It is still really uncomfortable to picture more in my future than me, my own house, and a hound dog. I finally came up with the “big pic” that I want to be healthy in every way. I want to be healthy in every, I want a healthy family, a healthy marriage and little kids who are active and play outside.

So… that was all written yesterday, but then I got distracted while I was at my mom’s house. So to continue, after I went to the temple today and had the last huge chunk of doubt taken care of I came up with more details to my big picture. I want a house with a big yard, I want a family that does stuff together that goes on hikes, rides horses, goes boating, etc. I want to marry a man who is so great with kids and will never let my children, nor I, feel a lack of love. It finally started to come and as the Trainer said, when you start to move forward the doubts will come, acknowledge them and then push them away. Yeah getting married is out of my control in all reality, because it takes 2 to Tango, but making it my goal can’t really hurt. Now I have two big pictures one that is the main and then Plan B with just me and my dog. 🙂

It will always be interesting to me the way that God places people in your life just when you need them… The Trainer has been that for me. Just when I needed someone to give me a boost when things would get hard and I would hit walls I can’t quite climb over by myself he came just in time to help me over them. He started out as a guy I paid to help me lose a few pounds I couldn’t lose on my own, but through staying in touch on Facebook and now this, I think I would consider him a friend. After all friends are those people who help you in life to do the things you REALLY want to do, but sometimes just can’t face on your own, right?

Some would say it is coincidence that right when I need someone they show up, I don’t believe that. Coincidence does not exist where God is concerned. He is in every facet of our lives. I don’t mean to get all preachy, but I honestly do not understand how anyone makes it through life without a belief in God, or a higher power of some sort… Someone bigger than they, who cares an awful lot about them. Just makes me curious.

I’d like to end this post with a quote by one of the leaders in the LDS church, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “If for awhile the harder you try, the harder it gets take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”

Enough

Wow… what an interesting last couple of weeks it has been! I have had so many things on my mind lately. Dating has been going off the hook. Tinder is going insane… I keep meeting new guys. I now have the “giant” as he calls himself because he is so tall. SC is driving me batty, and then I’ve got the set-up a guy my step sis thinks I would like, and then #2 who shares the same name as set-up guy and then the bearded man. He’s cool, another one from Tinder.  Oh and as we speak another message has just come up from Tinder! This is starting to get out of hand! I don’t know what to do with it all! Too many to balance…

More than dating though I have had a lot on my mind. I went to a parent day at my little sister’s junior high (she thinks I’m the coolest thing to hit the block since string cheese for reasons beyond me) and among all the nostalgia and crazy memories I learned a lot that day while attending classes with her. I had a flashback to when my  roomie and I had gotten into a fight like junior high, (yeah we’ve known each other since we were 10) and it just made me realize that if only I had known then what I do now I would have been so different. I would have treated people differently for sure. I just saw some of those kids and I couldn’t help but think, the kid may be nerdy now, but you just never know their true potential and what they are going to turn out to be. It was weird to see them through different eyes and just actually care, especially when seeing some getting picked on….

I then had a horrible dream Tuesday night that led to me waking up completely crying my eyes out for the first time in my life. I dreamed that my bro who is 2 years older than me had died. I didn’t believe it in the dream, but then we were at the funeral. I woke up with tears just streaming down my face and it took me about 15 minutes to calm down and go back to sleep and then anytime I thought about it the next day I would just cry. I love my family a ton even though we aren’t super close. I then had a few other dreams throughout the week that made me realize NOTHING compares to family, nothing. I definitely pay attention to my dreams because more often than not they mean something or they come true. That’s another story for another day!

Then comes the perfection complex. I don’t know if many of you have heard of this, but I definitely have one. I hold myself to these insanely high expectations all of the time. I was telling this new guy (that I forgot to mention before) JL that I was not doing well in a class because I have a B+ in a class right now. No one understands why that bothers me, but I had straight A’s last semester so I know I am capable of more. Beyond that… I have a very strong belief in God and in my savior Jesus Christ. Although many don’t believe or understand how or why someone could die for their sins I can tell you it is real. It is not something imaginary and really my goal because my belief is that there is indeed life after death and that I will get to live with my Heavenly Father and my Savior again I try to be a good person and to repent when I mess up, but I don’t want to be “unclean” when I come face to face with my creator again. I had this dream once I was in a hallway in a beautiful white (not wedding) dress and I’m waiting to meet with a king. At one point I look down and I see that there are some spots on my dress and I don’t want my dress to look like that when I am meeting with the king so I start trying to clean them off and they just keep getting worse and worse and worse. I burst into tears because this is my chance and my dress is ruined. I’m on the floor scrubbing and crying when someone puts their hand on mind stopping my scrubbing and says “Hey I can fix that.” I keep crying and start trying to scrub again telling this man that he can’t and asking him if he can’t see how ruined and stained my dress is. Then he says my name and I look up to see Christ telling me he can make it go away completely as if it was brand new and never happened. That dream has always stayed with me because for being Christian and knowing what I know I cannot figure out for the life of me why I won’t accept this gift. This insanely amazing gift. Someone cared enough about me to pay for MY sins and to take away MY pain, but because I am such a control freak I won’t let it go. I want to show my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I can do it, to show them that I am strong. Then I end up having weeks like this past one where I break down because I can’t no one is perfect and I won’t ever be in this life and I need to accept that. 

Well today in church  in Relief Society which is a part of the church services where just the women meet, we had a long talk about depression and other mental and emotional illnesses, because it is very common for women of the LDS faith to feel the pressure of perfection and pretending that everything is peachy when it definitely is NOT. I am in a congregation or ward as we call it full of young single adults between the ages of about 23-30, so these are people who are in the same phase of life that I am. Through that discussion I was just in tears. I do struggle with this perfection and with needing to feel in control, but I really haven’t lately and I have just been feeling that there is no peace to be found anymore. The topic of getting a priesthood blessing kept coming up and that is to have one or more of the men in the congregation who hold this priesthood or the power to act in God’s name for the blessing and benefit of His children, place their hands upon my head and give me a blessing or to say a specific prayer on my behalf. I know that may sound weird to some, but the miracles that have literally saved my life tell me otherwise. Well by the end I knew I needed to get one. I had thought about it all week but thought maybe I could do it on my own and it would pass, these feelings of inadequacy… So when that meeting was over I sought out my bishop (he’s like the priest) and I asked him to give me a blessing. Which he did a few minutes later.

I cannot begin to describe the relief and peace and quiet in my head that I felt as he spoke to God on my behalf and then to me as the mouthpiece of God for me in this moment of distress. He prayed for things I had not told him  and answered questions and prayers that only God would know were in my heart. The biggest thing that stuck out to me was being told that I am enough. I needed so badly to hear that. I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt like though they balance all of the demands of their every day lives and they do everything they can they always come up short or just completely inadequate, because that was me today. I don’t share this to be overly religious, but like I said this blog is my space and my religion means a lot to me. I will never say anything to offend, because I am not here to judge and put down. Life is hard enough without others kicking you while you are down… Seriously though no matter what you’ve done or where you are in life as long as you are moving and trying for something worthwhile, that is enough and you are enough, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I am enough.

He’s just not that into me… or is it the other way around?

Oh how I love finding out I am getting more followers! It’s semi strange to me that anyone would care to know what I have to say… haha, but thank you to all of you who feel like my blog is interesting in any sort of way!

Hmm… where to start. Boston is now out of the picture with a “you are a hard person to quit, but I think it’s for the greater good.” I had never seen myself as a person you could compare to a drug until that point. I don’t know where he got the idea that I would sleep with him anytime soon… it seemed to shock him that I still cling to my beliefs and I won’t do that until I am married. More than just my beliefs I know having sex with someone would attach me to them so completely I would be a huge mess if things ended, so even though marriage is no guarantee in and of itself, it is more of a guarantee than just saying we are together where the only thing that would be required to end it is to walk away and stop talking to one another. So yeah, marriage is what I want before I give it up. Weird in this society, but it is what it is.

Arizona… well… we had some good times and then he has to go and start talking about other girls at random and telling me about joking with other girls about eloping in Vegas. Call me crazy, but to tell me you have taken our little joke to other girls and then you have the balls to tell me about it right after we have been making out kinda tells me you’re not that into me. Then our nights would end abruptly like he had gotten his fill and he was peacing out and no matter what I said he needed to go… always before midnight. How old are we 16? Not that I wanted him to spend the night, but it just seemed like he didn’t want to be with me for very long. And then the straw that broke the camel’s back. High double digit thousands in debt. I do not handle my own personal debt that well, but to think that having to help pay that debt off if I got really serious with this guy about did me in. I have dreams of going places and seeing things and having kids, all of which take money. That debt wasn’t including his mortgage. The stress I feel when I am a couple grand in debt is unreal but that… that seemed like an amount I would never be able to get on top of. So on Sunday it came to this… not that into me, clearly not in it for more than a booty call, and large debt. 3 strikes, he’s out. I wasn’t sure how to make that known to him, but then he opened the door while we were talking. I told him that I didn’t feel like he was really into me and he didn’t really fight me or protest…. until the next morning. Okay, maybe this is just how girls think, but I feel like if I was accused of something that wasn’t true I wouldn’t just sleep on it. I would be doing what I could to get them to see that it isn’t true. Ergo he and I are done. I am getting really good at just calling it like it is and moving on… This is improvement. 🙂

Besides, SC and I had been talking the day before Valentine’s about our plans and he told me he was going to an anti- valentine’s dinner. I told him people need to stop being haters about that day. I have only had a valentine twice and my fiancé broke up with me on that day 4 years ago, so by normal standards I shouldn’t like it, but I LOVE that day. Weird I know, but whatever. Anyway I was at work on Valentine’s and my roommate sends me this pic of a rather large box that has a random descriptive address of where I live on it. I got home and eagerly ripped it open having a feeling it was from SC by the little bit of info on the outside. Inside was a book and a Dora card. He knows I love Spanish and he wanted something non threatening as far as seriousness. The main present was a book of the nature of the Carolinas. I had mentioned to him that I have an obsession with Georgia and I want to live there crazy bad for some odd reason… I had told him that on our first date and he got me the book telling me its not exactly Savannah, but the country all looks the same around there. Sweetest thing ever! So thoughtful! He obviously listens to the things I say… Brownie points for sure. I just don’t know how much I like him other than a friend though…

Ugh, dating is so lame! I keep saying I am going to swear it off, but then… I get sucked right back in! I just need to figure out how to la the game so well that I can find a guy who won’t drag me through drama or use me/cheat on me. So whether its him not being into me or me not being into him I’m not sure, but either way I gotta figure this dating shananigans out!

Boys and trucks

Seriously though it has been a week I think and so much has happened!

So Arizona was acting kinda strange, but then we went out on Saturday and when he picked me up I thought I was losing my mind because he suddenly had this big black truck instead of a medium white one. I guess the white one was a work truck. Either way… I’m not going to pretend I don’t find boys with trucks insanely attractive! I am a country girl at heart, I’m just stuck in the city… 😦 We went out to dinner and he held my hand into the restaurant with the excuse that my “fingers were cold” haha Then we went to a nickel arcade and had fun on all the ghetto games! We couldn’t decide on cheesy prizes so we gave our tickets to a cute little girl instead. We were riding home when he puts up the middle armrest thing to expose another seat and tells me to scoot over. I felt like a total country girl riding in the middle of the front seat just to be close to the man…. it was great! 🙂 We then went back to my apartment and watched a movie. And he kissed me. It was great! I just hate what happens after kissing! All the questions come: what does this mean? Why did he kiss me? Are we actually dating now? etc…. We talked after church on Sunday and Monday all day.

Monday at work Boston starts telling me that he is moving closer to where I live, but he is quitting the place where we work the day after Valentine’s. He admitted to liking me yesterday and he wants to get together. I think he’s really nice, but I just can’t see it going anywhere… as I have mentioned in older posts. He is attractive too. he’s 8 years older than me which isn’t bad, but yeah. Arizona is 5 years older than me. I dunno. I like talking to Boston, but…. yeah that’s it.

Anyway yesterday I went to my aunt’s house with my roommie to go make our nails pretty for Valentine’s and the whole time Arizona was texting me while he was in class. Then as I was getting ready for bed we were chatting and he made it sound like he wanted to see me, but he didn’t want to come to my apartment. I wasn’t going to go to him, I was too tired and I don’t want to do ALL of the work. Then he texts me and tells me he is thinking about me and I tell him that is sweet then I get “and the look on your face..” and I’m thinking “what?” and then I hear a knock at the door… he came over to visit me and still kissed me even though I have a small cold. Crazy guy. 🙂 We cuddled a little, kissed a little and talked a little. It was nice.  Hopefully this stays good! 🙂