Now I remember….

It came back to me today why I hate dating so much. I hate the games. I hate the suspense. I hate the guessing and the stress of it all. Arizona and I were texting today and I found out that he was hanging out with some friends so I told him that he doesn’t have to text if he is busy… so it just stopped. Just not a single thing, not even like a “ok goodnight!” or something. Then I think about how I am probably putting all of my eggs in the wrong basket… as usual.

Being single is so much easier, why does anyone date?

Men!!!

I’ve decided this blog is therapy for me now…. jk I’m not going to always freak out on here. So recently I think all the men that I have any interaction with are losing their minds. Boston decided we could be friends again… more than friends in his mind and he kissed me. It was weird, good, but I really wasn’t into it so I was kind of glad I got that out of my system so I can just move on. I know that sounds pretty harsh, but… well I’m always curious and now I don’t feel inclined to flirt with him at work. 🙂

I’ve been doing the whole online thing… in a way. It’s with that Tinder app. I matched with like 12 guys in my first 3 hours on it and was talking to 3 of them pretty quickly after that. That was about 3 weeks ago or so. I’ve since been asked out by 6 of them. 3 of them have bailed on dates for various reasons, usually they just disappear or they admit to being uber cheap and then back off. I’m not asking for a dinner that is $100 a plate. Burger King has 50 cent ice cream cones. I would go with that. I mean we’re just meeting, not deciding we’re going to be a couple. Obviously I don’t know if they are psycho or not yet. Short and sweet is always nice on the first meeting anyway. I met one guy who is from Alaska and he was nice but about 2 inches shorter than me… I try not to care too much, but that just makes me feel awkward. Like I need to protect him or something… He was really nice though. Totally reminded me of one of my best guy friends. Well then the next week I met a guy from South Carolina (e will refer to him as SC in the future) and he was way nice, at least my height and makes me laugh a ton! We met up spontaneously for dinner and I was back before my roommie went to bed (she thinks she’s like 80, but she’s only 26) so it was short and sweet and didn’t make me feel like I needed a break. Now I know this is making it sound like I am super hard to please, but I am not. Seriously. I just like to have a good balance of interaction that is not overwhelming, because like I said in the last post you’ve got to play the game and if you are overly interested quickly then I lose interest and/or get freaked out. Plus I am not looking for anything serious right now. I rather enjoy being able to do what I want when I want and one of those things is going on a cruise in May that will be full of single people! I mean really it is kinda like the Natasha Bedingfield song Single… I’m not opposed to a relationship, but I’m not looking for it necessarily.

Well last weekend I ended up going out with Arizona. He’s closer to my age, 6’5″ and well…. yeah. 🙂 We went to a burger joint in my home town that apparently he frequents because he is a loyalty member there. I had NEVER been! Passed it hundreds of times, but never stopped. I felt so relaxed and comfortable with him I was hoping there was more than just dinner when it was coming to the end of that. Apparently he felt the same way and we headed back to his place. He owns a home and it was very nice. He has done a lot of work on it and let’s just say that was insanely attractive! We played some cards and he repeatedly won in speed, California speed and then in Black Jack. At one point it was even in slow motion…. so embarrassing! We laughed a lot and when we decided to watch a movie I had no problem being close to him, which has rarely been the case with guys I have met lately. After the movie we just talked and talked until he finally took me back to my car at 2am! I had to work at 6:30, but I didn’t care. He held my hand on the way back to my car and it was weird how comfortable it was. Seriously I am usually like walking with a huge bubble on first dates. We’ve been talking every day since and we hung out on Sunday too. He texts me good morning, every morning and I find myself looking forward to it. I am trying not to lose my head over this, but even last night when I went out with SC again I just wanted to be texting Arizona. He told me last night when we were texting that he likes things about me and is working toward liking me. It has only been a week… but is that like guy speak for “I do like you so far, but I’ve only known you for a week” ?

I’ve gotta stop thinking so much and slow down or I’m in trouble…

The Best Decision and what the….?

So I’ve decided that starting a blog on wordpress was the best decision! I have read some funny posts on other blogs and have decided there are a lot of people on this blog-maker-thing that think a lot the way I do! Especially about being single! Love this!

So despite my huge dislike for dating right now, I have agreed to another date from one of the guys I met online. We’ll see if this one goes through because the one I was going to meet last Saturday stopped texting me about 3 days before, then he text me yesterday and asked how I was doing. I responded and got really nothing back. Another one I am supposed to go out with THIS Saturday hasn’t texted since Wednesday. We shall see…

So Boston just clued in yesterday to the fact that I am LDS and active even though I’ve had multiple conversations with almost everyone there about the fact that I served a mission and that… most occurring right in front of him. Now I guess we can’t even be friends because I go to church. I feel like that is a little odd and backward to the stereotype. Usually the religious person goes on a “holier than thou” kick and judges the non-religious one to be heathen or something stupid like that. I didn’t do that and never would! Then my life has never followed any type of “norm” but that is another post for another day. I told him when he told me he wanted to date me last week that I just wanted to be friends. That was last week and he seemed cool with it. We were going to hang out a couple of times now and things kept coming up. Now it has come to this. I don’t care if he’s a churchy guy or not where friends are concerned. I have a lot of friends who aren’t churchy, they drink, some do drugs and I love them all the same. We know where each other stands on things and I don’t push them to church and they don’t ask me to do things they I know I don’t do. It’s happy and healthy and some are the closest friends I have ever had. I just felt so shocked when he told me we couldn’t hang out because of that… is that normal? If so, am I really naïve to think people should be able to be friends no matter the religious status? It kind of felt like a smack in the face. Aw well… Life goes on right?

More than meets the eye…

Wow! Yeah I know this post is going to be long so… sorry in advance!

I’ve had a repetitive message going on in my life… actually LIVING it. It started almost a year ago when I broke up with a guy who was just using me until he found something better and my mom told me I need to just enjoy being single. I really started doing that because I was living in the danger depressing world of “somedays.” I realized I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do I was always doing whatever the guys I dated wanted to do. I didn’t really have me. It kind of faded away for a little bit until a few weeks ago. I went snowboarding with my bro and he was trying to teach me to go toe-side, which I can’t do since I like to see where I am going. At one point as he was chilling with me in the snow and he pointed out how much of life is not lived because of fear. I started to think about it and decided he was right. If I could get rid of my fear I could be a pretty decent snowboarder. I realized again last week when I was ice-skating with my friend BG that I really am scared of a lot of things. I am afraid of getting physically (I don’t have time for that), I don’t like to be vulnerable and I avoid dating someone that actually has potential because I don’t want to be vulnerable and I really think I am a little afraid of commitment, but I also want to be in a committed relationship. It’s a disgusting contradiction. I am afraid of really messing up my life and going down the wrong path. I am afraid of spending large amounts of money… especially on myself. I recently tried to get over that by booking myself a cruise for my graduation present, expensive- of course. Worth it? Absolutely! Well this message has been coming more and more lately and has been more intense and I find myself FULL of wanderlust. I have this insane desire to LIVE. I am sick of putting stuff off.

Yesterday just kind of blew up in my face too and I just feel like I am doing something wrong. The one guy I was supposed to meet from online NEVER text me, and hadn’t since Wednesday. So that just didn’t happen. Then Boston was IM-ing me all day at work, telling me that we should get together and how attracted he is to me and how when I started there I was a huge distraction to him. We were going to hang out later last night and… yeah. You guessed it, nothing. He went and got a tattoo and then yeah… apparently it was all up to me to decide what to do?

So I got to thinking today about last Monday. I went to FHE (Family Home Evening) which is a weekly church activity where we get together for a small lesson and to socialize. The girl teaching brought up this TED talk that had changed her life it is called “Why 30 is not the new 20.” What she said about it just intrigued me. So… I listened to it today and it just BLEW my mind! Meg Jay the woman talking just had so many good points. These are a few things that stuck out to me:

• Twenty-somethings have nothing, but time! 
• The best time to work on a marriage is before you have one.
• The 20’s are not a developmental downtime, but a developmental sweet spot!
• Claiming your 20’s is one of the simplest yet most transformative things you can do.
• 3 things to do to claim your 20’s are: 1- get identity capital (investing in who you want might want to be next) Do something that adds to who you are. Explore and make it count. LIVE YOUR LIFE! “Identity capital begets identity capital.” 2- The urban tribe is overrated. New things come from our weaker ties. 3- The time to start picking your future family is now!
• Be as intentional with love as you are with work. be with who and what you want instead of just making it work or killing time. Mindfully choose the man! (I felt that deserved its own bullet)
• One good moment/TED talk/conversation can effect generations….

(source:http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html)

I was blown away! I needed all of that! I am not living my life like I should. I am not investing in identity capital…. I want so much, but I am not doing all that I can to get it! Honestly I am guilty of the “just killing time” style of dating. Boston was going to be that…. He and I are so different I just can’t see it working out. As I have mentioned before I am LDS, and well… that means a lot to me. He is not and this usually doesn’t work out. I don’t believe in having sex until after marriage and he doesn’t care about that. I don’t mean to sound like a stuck up Mormon girl, I just think sharing faith is super important. I just can’t see this being anything more than a fling and I just don’t know if it would be worth it… I don’t want to just “kill time.” Besides if I have learned anything from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, if a guy wants something to happen, he will make it happen! I live by that. I have tried to make it happen myself and it always goes bad really fast, so I’ve decided to roll with the games. Its up to the woman to accept the invitation that starts everything, but then it is back to the guy to keep it going. Kinda dumb, but true.

I really do feel like faith is part of the identity capital. We were chatting about that at church today. We talked about why it would be important to know that we are actually children of God and for me, it gives me a layer of identity. Having a relationship with my father in heaven gives me strength to keep going on bad days and someone to thank when it is all good. Another part of that is my belief in my savior Jesus Christ. He is the older brother who continually and unconditionally loves. They both have done so much for me. They listen when I need someone to talk to and I feel them near when I need someone. I have not always felt this way, I had my doubts if God was real, if my words were sticking to the ceiling and I was really just talking to myself like a crazy person, but I know that is not the case. I wondered if he even cared about me when sucky things happened, but now I know he does. Sometimes it is impossible to express feelings in words… but feelings are real no matter the reason. Identity capital is to help you be who you want to be, to give you depth. If religion is the base, that’s pretty solid. Then you just add on the rest; adventure, experience, and just trying to be a good person. Aka “depth.” 🙂

I feel like that is something achievable. Something worth working toward and for. What else bring identity capital?

It’s Rainin’ Men!

Wow, I am really glad I have this blog sometimes! I just need a space to throw some stuff down sometimes and I really hope if someone stumbles onto it that it helps them. If nothing more than to help them not feel so alone in the craziness we call life!

Update: School is killing me, but it is my last semester so I just keep telling myself “you can do anything for 15 weeks!” Which is true, but it is getting harder to remember… or rather believe. haha

The new job… I had a hard time during training to decide whether or not I loved it like I did when I interviewed, but then it dawned on me yesterday why I liked it then and now. Everyone there gets along… like literally. There are a ton of women working there too! I don’t like to hate on my own gender, but we’ve all worked with lots of women and they can tend to be catty… true? Of course it is! It is really like a dysfunctional family, that functions like every family since the beginning of time! I learned to love it again! Anyway, more to the point of this blog…

So I started work and I have this coworker who just totally welcomed me! He’s super funny and always had me laughing, plus he’s really good at what he does so I liked shadowing him. He’s obsessed with the Red Sox and… well, Star Wars. That seems strange to me, but anyway we will refer to him as Boston from here on out. At one point I was waiting to go to another part of training and he asked me what I was doing since I was just standing there. I told him I was just standing there looking pretty. Side note: Usually when I say things like that people roll their eyes or just laugh, because they know I am not being that seriously conceited. Anyway Boston tells me he “agrees completely” I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say back (it is hard to render me speechless, yet there I was). This weekend he was chatting with me on IM and I was starting to wonder if he wasn’t friendly just cuz like I had thought. Then he goes and accuses me of being attracted to him because of how much I smile around him. I admit part of me does like him, but I was really smiling in anticipation for the next crazy comment he would make! Anyway Monday when I get there he starts chatting with me and we are obviously flirting then at one point he walks by and drops off his number on a sticky note!!! What the?! I was starting to wonder how much they monitor the chats so in a way I was grateful for the #, but come on man ask me for mine!!! Sheesh! So backwards.

So we start in on the chatting over text and he straight up admits to wanting to date me… I would totally have gone along with this except we are from 2 crazy different worlds and I am aiming for certain things that he can’t help me achieve in his present state. Never mind that we haven’t known each other long! So I told him we could be friends right now and yeah… he won’t really talk to me anymore. Even though he said it was fine! Ugh GUYS!!!

I also re-entered the world of online dating and have already found a guy that is practically throwing himself at me and we haven’t even met! For real! I’m sure he is sweet and all, but man… the games that I hate in dating are real and I realized some of them I agree with like at least play a LITTLE hard to get. Ignore me once in awhile, but not for too long. Let me miss you, but love me to death in between so I know its all good. I don’t feel like that is too much to ask! I just feel like he is trying too hard and I will never get to know him for him. That bugs.  So anyway I have a date with one guy on Saturday that seems cool, really cool actually. We shall see how that goes! I’ll see Boston again tomorrow and we’ll see how that goes! The guys in my life are giving me headaches left and right… and I only gave y’all a brief glimpse, due to lack of time! Good grief!

It is definitely raining men, but I am not thinkin hallelujah right now. I’m thinking I should duck and run for cover! 🙂

No Regrets!

So I have been thinking lately about a discussion I had with a friend this past weekend about how much I really just don’t know what to do with my life and how in some ways I wish I was married. Then again I am kind of happy I am not married yet, because I have had the opportunity to do a lot of cool stuff and I am still free to do more. She then told me how much she regrets not going on a mission (like I did) even though she really wanted to and felt like she should! She then proceeded to emphasize how important it is to choose the right person. She didn’t say it, but it sounded like she is not very happy in her marriage. She told me she didn’t really include God in her decision and she wishes so badly that she had. She was almost in tears over the things she regrets in her life, it was heart breaking and I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to look back and regret the things I did or didn’t do. I want to live my life to its fullest and have hope that things actually will work out. I have a hard time with that. Hope. I feel like if I leave my expectations low, I won’t be disappointed, but that is a very lame way to live.  Not very happy. So this is my resolve not to live a lame life full of regrets!!!

A New Beginning… Holla!

A new year, a new job and a new (and last semester) of school as an undergrad! 2014 is already starting out right! I am super ready to see what this year holds. I guess I ought to introduce myself a little. I am Manda, I’m a 25 year old quirky woman with a personality as colorful and interesting as this lovely background! I am really involved in learning about communication and I love to watch people interact. I love, love and I am a hopeless romantic at heart! I love action movies, but I am also a Pride and Prejudice purist aka the 5 hour version is the ONLY one I will watch. I despise Kiera Knightly in the newer version and Darcy also bugs me. I love to eat, exercise and learn. I am religious and I served a mission for the LDS church. It changed my life then and continues to influence my life today. I love to study people and relationships and I try to learn all I can in order to avoid mistakes and enhance my own. Right now I am single as a slice of cheese and living in a community where being 25 and single is considered “spinster” status it tends to get to you. I go through phases where I hate being single and other phases where I almost wouldn’t trade it for anything. I try to stay in the latter because it makes my life easier. I don’t feel lonely as much. I am grateful in many ways that I haven’t gotten married yet just because I have been able to experience so much that I wouldn’t have had I been attached. I am not very good at dating, I will admit that right now. My relationships rarely last longer than 3 months. I go for the wrong guys and I think I am so afraid of commitment and having my wings clipped I go for the emotionally inaccessible ones. haha So messed up I know.

2013 was a very rough year in a lot of ways, but I don’t think I have ever grown so much as I did during those months. That is what really inspired the name of this blog Una vida vivida: “A life lived”, because I am a perpetual “someday”-er and I feel like I almost just forgot that life was about LIVING and experiencing new things. I was not living my life. I also cared too much about what other people thought (especially guys, sadly), but no more. I recently decided that to be truly happy I cannot base it on another person, it has to be based in ME. I am the one who controls my happiness and for once I am actually going to take charge of that. I am going to live my life shamelessly being myself! So that is a little about me.

This will be my place to just think. If I get followers great, if I help someone even better, if I make someone laugh- goal accomplished, but if it ends up just being my own space that is COMPLETELY fine!